My grandmother passed away yesterday.
And for the first time in my life, I experience what it feels like to lose someone who is truly close to my heart.
When I was born my grandmother was the one who chose my name, Nurfaatihah. She helped to take care of me since day 1 and when my family moved to Shah Alam from Kuantan she eventually stayed with us so she could help my mom raise me and my sisters.
When I was about 12 years old my grandmother moved in with my moksu to help look after her kids. But I still saw her almost every single day because my moksu's house was just a walking distance from my mom's house. 6 years ago, my mom and moksu moved next door to each other. So basically my whole life my grandmother has always been close to me.
If you read my post here, you'd know that my grandmother has been sick and lately her condition started to deteriorate. It was such an emotional roller coaster because some days she seems okay while other days she is too weak to even take a sip of water. All of us knew that her time is almost up. I guess in a way we already saw it coming.
But that doesn't make it any easier. When she passed away at home around noon yesterday, my mom, my sisters and I were there with her. It was definitely the saddest moment in my life, to watch my grandmother go. To see her body being carried out of the house, to see her in her kain kafan, to kiss her for the last time, and finally to send her off to her resting place. Even as I am writing this I still can't comprehend the fact that she is truly gone. My mind keeps replaying all the memories that I have of her.
I still remember coming home from school and calling my grandma to request for her cooking. My favourite (among many) is her sambal kentang and ikan bills. She would happily oblige because she just loves to cook for her grandchildren.
If I complain of a stomachache or a headache she would instantly ask me to lie down so that she could rub oil on my tummy or massage my head. I would then return the favour by scratching her back when she can't reach the itchy spot either using my nails or using this:
Once in a while I would sleep in her room on her bed and I would fall asleep listening to her stories. How she had to walk through the plantation to go to school and be chased by wild boars (babi hutan), how she had to wake up very early everyday to make kuih for my mom to sell at school and how my mom was scolded by the canteen lady because my grandma's kuih were a hit so people stopped buying food from the canteen, and all sorts of other stories.
Sometimes she would even fall asleep in the middle a story haha.
And when my mom scolded me she would scold my mom back. Grandmothers are awesome like that kan? :)
But most of all, I remember going into her room recently, she looked at me and gave me a weak smile. I asked her if she wanted to have some soup. She said, "Nenek dah makan tapi nenek nak rasa makan daripada tangan you." And that was the last time I fed my grandmother.
Just last week your children, grandchildren and great grandchildren gathered to celebrate your birthday.
Now, you have left us to return to Allah.
I love you so much nenek. My prayers are always be with you. I will miss you every single day for the rest of my life. Please forgive me for all of my wrongdoings to you. And I hope that we have made you happy on your last days.
Til we meet again, insyaAllah.
In loving memory of my grandmother, Rokiah Binti Abdullah (in the middle on the wheelchair).