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Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Losing a Loved One

(This post was written on Sunday)

Our anniversary yesterday was a happy day but at the same time it was one of the saddest days of my life. 

It started off really well. I woke up to my sister's chocolate chip pancakes (10% pancake 90% chocolate chips lol). While having them, I watched Muharram's 2 kittens fool around with each other, Muharram lying by their side to watch. We named the kittens AJ (Alayna Jr) & QJ (Qaireen Jr). They are just so cute! Always trying to catch each other's tails, climbing on trees, and then when they're tired they would sleep on top of each other. I told my brother that morning to get them the wet cat food from time to time as a treat. I remember wanting to take a picture of the kittens playing because the only picture I had of them is the one that I posted here, when they were just born. But my phone was upstairs so I thought, never mind, next time.

Then I got ready because I wanted to take Nadri out for our anniversary lunch, since he was taking me to dinner that night. I really wanted him to try this awesome lamb that I had just discovered 2 days before that. So off we went to KL.

We stopped at a petrol station for gas. While Nadri was filling up the tank, my phone rang. It was my aunt.

Me: Hello?

Moksu: Kak Yong! You ran over AJ! She died.

After that, I didn't hear anything else.

I just broke down and cried hysterically. I don't think I have ever cried like that in my life. 

You see, I have never lost someone who is really really close to me. When relatives/friends pass away, of course I feel sad and I would grieve. But yesterday, I truly learned what it feels like to lose a loved one. 

AJ is a part of me. She was born in my room (she was the one who got left in my wardrobe). She grew up in our house. My mom doesn't even like cats but she let Muharram and her kittens stayed indoors until they were big enough to walk on their own. So basically I watched her grow from a small hairless, can't-even-open-her-eyes little thing into a very playful kitten.

Everyday when I cook for Alayna I would watch them play or sleep. Everyday I feel happy looking at how happy the three of them are. 

And just like that, in the blink of an eye, she was gone. 

I didn't know how to handle it. So I cried. I cried for a really long time. I told Nadri I didn't want to have lunch anymore. I just wanted to go home. I was so devastated. Everything came flooding back. All the memories of AJ & QJ. How they started to crawl, how they learned to climb out of their basket, how they learned to walk but they were wobbly so they would sway left and right, how they finally figured out how to walk properly and run they would try to chase and grab our legs when they see us walking by (which was traumatizing to me because as much as I love them, I am still scared of cats and their sharp claws), then my mom made them stay outside because they were ready and I remember being so worried about them, and then one night it rained heavily and it was so cold that I just had to take their cage inside because I was afraid they would freeze..

The hardest part was when the most recent memory of them from this morning came back. I could see it very clearly in my head. How AJ tried to climb a small tree and then the tree fell back because she was heavy, how she tried to catch Muharram's wagging tail, how I told my brother to buy wet cat food for them, how I thought about taking their picture but decided to do it next time because my phone was upstairs..

There is never going to be a next time. She's gone forever.

Nadri comforted me while I cried my heart out. He drove around and when I was calmer, he asked if I wanted to go home. I thought about it, and I decided not to. It would be too painful. So we went to eat but all I could think about was AJ. 

When we got home, I straightaway went upstairs. I couldn't bear to see Muharram and QJ. Spent some time with Alayna and wondered how Muharram was feeling, losing her child. Then I cried some more.

Nadri and I had dinner plans that night. I was still very heartbroken but I decided to block out the whole incident from my mind for a few hours. It was our anniversary anyway. I really wanted to enjoy myself. And I did (more on our anniversary in another post, I need some time to mourn).

I woke up today with a hole in my heart. I came down to the kitchen and I didn't see Muharram or QJ outside at their usual spot, playing. It felt weird because that was my routine everyday. Watching them while I have my breakfast.

Turns out ever since the accident happened, QJ has been quiet. She would just lie down instead of running around trying to catch anything that moves. Muharram on the other hand would not stop meow-ing while walking around the compound, trying to find AJ. It's just too sad..

I talked to some friends who have had similar experiences. They all empathised and they assured me that accidents like these happen. Muharram and QJ will get over it, and so will I, even though it seems impossible now. 

AJ, I'm so sorry I ran you over. I hope you're in a better place. And I hope Muharram, QJ and myself will go back to our normal selves soon. 

For the first time in my life, I learned the pain of losing. I pray that Allah will keep those dear to my heart safe. 

I miss you AJ :(

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